or, more correctly:
‘Questions We Are Happy To Answer, Or At Least Wish You Oiks Would Ask Instead Of Things Like “Why Doesn’t Your Software Work When There Is Fish Tank Nearby” Or “Do You Have A phone Number That May, Even If Only In A Parallel Universe, Connect To A Human Being”, Plus Some You Really Did Ask That Don’t Involve Any Answers Not Approved By Our Marketing Or PR People.’
“Why doesn’t my local pub stock your beer?”
Well, there are several answers to this. They may be owned by another brewery. They may be located just round the back of Omsk, in which case it is a tad outside our normal delivery area. We would suggest either moving nearer to us, or uninstalling your existing local, and installing a different version, ideally one that is free.
“My local pub is free to buy beer from you, why don’t they?”
Err, ask them. Some ‘Free Houses’ are in fact tied to just one brewery – usually those pubs run by people who seem to think a brewery rep is the best person to approach for an unbiased opinion on the best beers to stock (much like a Renault salesman would happily help you choose the Toyota that best suits your needs). Other pubs seem happy to trade in the knowledge that what their customers really want is the beer equivalent of cheap supermarket burgers (without the horse meat though of course, hopefully).
“Are you all as good looking as I imagine?”
Depends how vivid you imagination is.
“I drink your beer all the time in my favourite bar in Warsaw- all my friends do to. We would really like some freebies – please send some to me”
Well that explains why the Tuesday delivery run always seems to use a lot of fuel.
“Why is beer so expensive to buy in a pub?”
Try running a brewery and then running a pub. You’ll soon change you mind about expensive. Mind you, there is a fair amount of tax involved as well.
“How much of my pint is made up beer duty/tax?”
Initially, possibly less than you think – a 3.6% beer is approx 35p per pint, rising to 44p at 4.5%, then 51p at 5.2%, and 7.0% it’s 69p. But you need to add VAT to that, and then the fuel duty paid to deliver it (and the VAT on that), the various other taxes on a business and it’s owners and staff etc. It all adds up – and that’s before you include the cost to the brewery/pub of dealing with the paperwork that goes with all the various taxes. It is a right old very complicated minefield, so the simple answer is ‘Most Of It, Eventually’.
“I want some labels/beer mats/pump clips for my collection”
Firstly, what is the magic word? Secondly, if you are a collector, you’ll understand that they cost money, and will accept that our palms will need to be crossed with silver. Otherwise, do please naff off and find something else to flog on ebay.
“I need some freebies from you that I can sell to fund my trip to the Moscow Beer Festival”
Care to guess…?
“Do you have a website?”
“How do I get my pub in the CAMRA Good Beer Guide?”
Of such questions were great philosophers made. In fact, I will quote Pliny The Elder’s answer to this very question – “Search me mate”.
“Where do you recommend as the best place for a beer?”
In a glass, then down your throat.
“I only drink Bottle Conditioned beer. Are you ever going to do any?”
Oh get a life. What’s more important – the product or the dispense/packaging? We could save a fortune on our bottling costs by not filtering the beer first. So why do you think we choose not to?
“I have been offended by the tone of this website. To whom do I Complain?”
Oh, believe me, you haven’t. The offending will happen when you complain, you pompous, overblown berk. Please address all complaints to The Person Nearest The Bin at the published brewery address, which you’ll have to look for I’m afraid. You never know, you even be able to something else to moan about while you’re at it (‘moan’, ‘at it’ – that’s a couple of extras already).
“What happened to the pigeon in the photo on your contact page – the one posing with that shifty looking bird?”
That pigeon was sent specially for defensive martial art training in advance of the photo shoot. Sadly though, due to communication difficulties with the trainer’s call centre, the pigeon was trained in Origami by mistake. So it is dead. The shifty looking bird though is fine – he (it was actually a she, but it is wrong to use the word ‘bird’ in reference to a she) went on to enjoy a medium-rare bunting as a main course, and rounded the meal off with the sweet notes of a nightingale. Given the wildlife round here, I may not be joking… You think your life is tough – try being seen as dinner on an hourly basis.